isbn-13: 9780062961112
Audible
Personal change is always a courageous act.
This is ‘change’ from the viewpoint of a psychotherapist and should probably be more accurately titled “why we don’t change”. It focuses mostly on changing negative or toxic behaviors rather changing our thoughts and beliefs.
Ellenhorn claims we are wired to double down on the familiar because of what he calls the “Fear of Hope” - the act of protecting ourselves from further disappointment.
He identifies the “10 Reasons Not to Change” to help us see why we behave the way we do when we are faced with the “challenge of hope”:
- Raising one’s own expectations about change: When we change something for the better, we always risk disappointing ourselves if we can’t maintain the change.
- Raising the expectations of others: By making a positive change in one’s life, a person not only raises his own expectations; he inevitably raises the expectations of others. Doing so, he risks that others will witness his failure to maintain the new, more positive status he has achieved.
- Facing where you are in life: Progressive change requires that individuals assess what they need to change, and thus confront the current state of the lives they have authored.
- Taking “small steps”: To change his circumstances, a person is not merely required to face where he is in that moment, but to do so repetitively, as he takes the incremental steps towards a goal. Each step is a reminder of where he is and how far he has to go to reach his goals.
- Being accountable for “what’s next”: Each change a person makes testifies that she is accountable for the life that lies ahead. The more she changes, the more the outcome of her life is seen as within her power.
- Facing the unknown: By enacting change in one’s life, a person faces the unknown possibilities of a life that is in his hands. When we enact change, we must contend not only with an unpredictable world, but also with the unpredictability of the future created in part by our own actions.
- Existential aloneness: Change always makes us face our own aloneness. Enacting change, a person recognizes that she alone is the author of her life, the originator of things she has made happen in the past, what she is making happen now, and what she will make happen in the future.
- Losing a social support: When a person makes positive changes in her treatment, she inevitably steps on a path that leads out of treatment, and thus away from prior therapeutic relationships.
- Destroying the negatives: Keeping his behavior the same is his only means of protecting an enduring memorial to the past. Changing this behavior is like demolishing his memorial.
- Conditional aloneness in the presence of others: Therapists and therapeutic communities offer enduring recognition to those they treat, providing their clients the important sense that they exist in the mind’s eyes of someone else even when they are out of physical sight. And they often provide this continuous attention without the pressures of expectations regarding accountability.
Publisher’s Description: “A paradigm-shifting, instant classic in the making that challenges our assumptions about change by encouraging us to understand and embrace our resistance to it. We all have something we want to change about ourselves. But whether it’s quitting smoking, losing weight, or breaking some common bad habit or negative behavior pattern, we feel a sense of failure when we don’t succeed. This often sets off a cascade of negative feelings and discouragement, making it even harder to change. The voice in our head tells us: Why bother? Successful change depends far more on understanding why we don’t change, psychotherapist and sociologist Ross Ellenhorn insists. His decades-long career as a pioneer in helping people overcome extreme psychiatric experiences and problematic substance use issues– especially those whom the behavioral healthcare system has failed– especially those whom the mental healthcare system has failed–has lead him to develop an effective, long-term method to achieve transformation, from the simplest shifts to the most profound. In How We Change, Ellenhorn looks to the evolutionary imperatives driving us. We are wired to double down on the familiar because of what he calls the Fear of Hope–the act of protecting ourselves from further disappointment. He identifies the”10 Reasons Not to Change” to help us see why we behave the way we do, making it clear that there is nothing broken inside us–it’s how we’re built. By addressing this little known reality, he gives us hope and helps us work toward the change we seek. Ellenhorn speaks to the core of our insecurities and fears about ourselves, with a humor and kindness. By turning our judgements about self-destructive behaviors into curious questions about them, he teaches us to think about our actions to discover what we truly want–even if we’re going about getting it in the wrong way. How We Change is a brilliant approach that will forever alter our perspective–and help us achieve the transformation we truly seek.”